Dear Rachael

Dear Rachael,

I lost you just three days ago. The pain remains as intense as it was that first day. Right now it feels as though there will never be any relief from this pain. The hole in my life your absence has created is immense, bigger than I ever could have imagined. That aching emptiness consumes me. Only now do I fully understand how completely my whole world revolved around you. At the service for you yesterday, I stood before our loved ones and told them of the difference you made in my life. Many have talked of your bigger than life personality. Of your incredible vibrancy and boundless enthusiasm for life. So I told them about how my personality is so very different from yours. I told them of the brightness, color, enthusiasm, and energy you brought into my life, where before my existence was sorely lacking in those qualities. I said that you changed my life. You changed me. You made me a better person, albeit one still with many shortcomings. I also told our families that I would never forget you, and that I would always try to honor your memory.

Rachael, regarding that last sentiment, I will try my very best, within my pitiful limitations, to do just that. You were an idealist and I admire that about you. It’s not overstating it one little bit to say that you had a higher level of ideals than anyone I’ve ever met. There’s no way I could ever quite live up to the standard you set, but I do promise you that I will try. Some days, maybe many days, I will fall short. But on every succeeding day I will try to do better. I will try to do better, and I will strive to do things that would make you proud. These things will be done in your name, and in each case I will make it known that it could not have happened without you. You will continue to make a difference through me, just as you continue now to make a difference in all the wonderful and treasured memories everyone who loves you will carry with them for the rest of their days.

Rachael, I am so sorry you couldn’t have stayed with me here longer. I wish I could have stopped what happened to you somehow. I feel that I have failed you. People tell me this is not the truth, that I did everything I possibly could for you. Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t, I don’t know. I always told myself to try harder, to do better, to do right by you. And I did try. But it still couldn’t keep you here, and so, yes, I feel like I failed. That may make no logical sense. I am not God. I had no power over the disease that took you. On some level, I recognize this. But that feeling of coming up short persists regardless.

Rachael, the memory of what you endured, especially in your last months and weeks, is so very painful, so much so that I am not sure I can withstand it. No one should have to go through what you went through, but it seems particularly unfair that it could happen to someone as loving, sweet, generous, and kind as you. I can’t think of how the disease ravaged your poor little body without wanting to cry. The memory of the constant agony you were in causes me physical pain. I remember how you would cry out to me even in your sleep, and that also hurts. You counted on me to protect you and help you feel better in various ways, but in the end none of it worked anymore. It hurt so much to hear those cries of my name and know there was nothing I could do. I think of how you would say “owie” like a little girl when you were having excruciating pain, and that also makes me want to cry. I think it always will. You suffered so many horrible indignities, and the memory of those things makes me feel a deep anger in addition to the emotional misery. It is fundamentally WRONG that you had to endure those things. It is rage without a target--who do I blame for those awful things?--and therefore there is nowhere to discharge it. So I’m afraid I will always carry that anger with me as well. Again, I wish I could have stopped it. I wish I could wipe it all away, make it so that none of it ever happened. But I can’t. I just can’t, and that also makes me want to cry. There is scant consolation to be had in any of this, but if there is any, it lies in the fact that you are feeling none of those things any longer. You are not hurting now. I wish you were still here. I wish you could stay with me forever. But you’re not hurting. The agony and the suffering are over. Rachael, baby, I’m glad you’re not hurting now.

Rachael, as we discussed several times, none of us are really sure what comes after this life ends. I know that after lifetimes of a professed disbelief in an afterlife, we both did open ourselves to the possibility of there being something else out there. I remember being out in our back yard one night with our dogs and staring up at all the stars in a very clear sky. I thought of how vast and mysterious this universe is and how there is so much we don’t know or understand about our existence. In a place so vast, there are possibilities beyond anything we could ever imagine. Potentially strange and wonderful things. So we had to allow for the possibility that maybe we had been wrong all along, and that perhaps there is something else beyond this hard life on earth. And so it is my fondest and most sincere wish that you are somewhere better now. That you are in a place where you know only joy and are forever free of pain of any kind.

I love you, Rachael. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone or anything. I will never stop missing you. I hope somehow you are able to know of these words. That you hear me talking to you. Maybe you can. Somehow. Know this above all else, then. Despite the pain I feel, I will always be grateful that you shared your life with me for these last twelve years. I am grateful that you were able to be with me for as long as you were. Thank you for living with me and loving me. There is no way I could ever equal or repay what you gave me, but I am so grateful to you.

Rest in peace, sweet Rachael. Rest in peace.

House of Blood eBook

The first digital edition of House of Blood is now available. It's the "authorized edition" to distinguish it from anything Dorchester might do, though in the case of this book, I don't expect them to try to get their own edition out, as we've reached an agreement reverting the rights to this title to me. When I get the digital rights to the others back, they'll also all be "authorized" editions.

http://www.amazon.com/House-Blood-Authorized-ebook/dp/B004VT3YZO/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=digital-text&qid=1302354561&sr=1-1

E-Book Sale

My first two self-published eBook titles, Darkened and Rock and Roll Reform School Zombies are 99 cents through the end of March. Prices will be bumped back to regular price April 1.

http://www.amazon.com/Darkened-ebook/dp/B004NIFHD0/ref=pd_rhf_p_t_2

http://www.amazon.com/Rock-Reform-School-Zombies-ebook/dp/B004T5W6PY/ref=pd_rhf_p_t_1

EDIT: Sale over.

Second Bitter Ale Press release

The eBook edition of Rock And Roll Reform School Zombies is now available from Amazon. This edition includes contest winner Brian Bishop's Bitter Ale Press logo, which is one of three BAP logos I'll use on a rotating basis for these releases.

Here's the link:

http://www.amazon.com/Rock-Reform-School-Zombies-ebook/dp/B004T5W6PY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=merchant-items&qid=1300782251&sr=1-1

Other formats will follow in the coming weeks.

I am currently working on what should be the third Bitter Ale Press release, a longish zombie novella that may yet turn into a short novel. I'm hoping to have it available at some point in April. However, though it involves zombies again, it will be a very, very different take on the subject than RNRRSZ.

New Facebook Page

I created a fan page this weekend. Come by and "like" it if you're so inclined.

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Bryan-Smith/150422995019571

The personal page is still around, but this new page will strictly be for writing-related posts. News and the occasional general thoughts on writing and the writing biz.

Deadworld becomes DARKENED

The title of my recently published original ebook novel has changed from Deadworld to Darkened.

Let me state a fact. You cannot copyright a title. This is why you see duplicate titles across various forms of media all the time.

However, this will not necessarily prevent someone else who has used the same title from raising the specter of lawyers.

My wife has been seriously ill for some time. Her condition has worsened considerably in recent months. It should go without saying that we do not need more stress in our lives at this time.

So there was never any thought of fighting the title change.

The book formerly known as Deadworld is now Darkened and that's just the way it's going to be.

I have already uploaded cover, title, and product description changes to Amazon and Smashwords. The Smashwords changes are already fully in effect. On Amazon, the cover and title changes have already been published. However, as of this writing, the revised product description has not published and still refers to the book as Deadworld. I am hopeful this will change within the next 24 hours.

But the currently in process Amazon update is only the first revision. The interior of the book still shows the old cover and says "Deadworld" on the title page. I have received a revised file from the designer correcting all that. However, I have to wait until the first revision finishes publishing before I can upload these other changes.

If you have already purchased this book as Deadworld, please be aware that DARKENED IS THE SAME BOOK. I'm hopeful most readers will be discerning enough to notice this, but realize there may be some confusion. I'm also hopeful all the changes will be fully published on Amazon within the next couple of days.

In better news, I received the following kickass blurb for the new book yesterday:

"Bryan Smith's DARKENED is a full-throttle pedal-to-the-metal ride straight into the heart of the apocalypse. Deeply disturbing and absolutely riveting. Highly recommended." -Jonathan Maberry, NY Times bestselling author of THE KING OF PLAGUES and PATIENT ZERO

Ordering link for Darkened:

http://www.amazon.com/Darkened-ebook/dp/B004NIFHD0/ref=pd_rhf_p_t_1

Bitter Ale Press contest

I know there are some readers of this blog with good art/design skills. Recently I released my first self-published ebook, Deadworld. I made up the name Bitter Ale Press as the publisher. I want to continue using that name as I put more ebooks out there in the future. I thought it might be nice to have a cool logo to include with those releases. So let's have a contest to design one.

The main prize winner would get a copy of the limited hardcover edition of Depraved from Altar 13. I would inscribe this book any way the winner wants. The winner would also receive copies of two of my Leisure paperbacks. Again, inscribed any way you want. I'd even throw in some cover flats. And, of course, you'll get a design credit in any future Bitter Ale Press releases.

A second prize winner would receive two signed Leisure paperbacks and a third place finisher would receive one signed Leisure paperback. Both second and third place winners would also get some bonus cover flats.

Use your creativity. Incorporate anything cool that comes to mind when you think of the name Bitter Ale Press, any imagery or concepts associated with any of those words. Designs can be dark and sinister or whimsical or just plain weird, or any combination thereof. They can be suggestive of things horror, literary, or booze related. Or, again, a combination.

To enter the contest, just post your entry in the designated thread on my message board (registration is required):

http://www.briankeene.com/forum/index.php?topic=6538.0

Feedback from forum readers is welcome, though I'll be making the ultimate call on the winner. Contest is currently open-ended as it may be a while before the second Bitter Ale Press release.